Tuesday, August 23
i made the huge mistake of watching a bit of tv over dinner. for some reason my mother was watching heartlanders. the only tv show she watches is friends. anyway now i'm frightened out of my wits, and i keep seeing the face of that girl at the back of my mind.. that long hair and fairly pretty face with those psychotic eyes.. and the creepy music they kept playing.. ahhh!!! i screamed and ran upstairs when i realised she was going to kill someone. scary scary possesive and psychotic people! oh dear now i have another fear to add to my list. i don't want to turn out as depressed as van gogh or as psychotic as sonia from the show. and now i keep glancing over my shoulder. arghhh. blasting music.
today was a terrible day. of course i didn't do pe. but i felt so sleepy in lit i kept shaking my leg vigorously, irritating everyone i'm sure, and grumbling to myself. pw sucked - mdm tay knows i faked the survey. if i could start over, i wouldn't fake the survey. but obviously we can't tell her the truth now. even though she knows that we know that she knows. we just have to go through with the ridiculous facade. the thought of it makes me nauseous. i've never cheated like this before.. but we had to..
very tired. i'm always grumpy by the time school ends close to 5 on tuesdays. bought an icecream and dropped half of it on the road. left my handphone with annie. was so utterly depressed by the time i dropped 55cts into the ticketing machine on the bus [i forgot to bring my wallet to school, oh joy] that i wanted to hurl myself off the bus and onto the road. but that would be utterly ridiculous right? imagine - girl, seventeen, committed suicide by lying on the road because she faked a survey in project work, couldn't face the idea of her piano exam, and hated school. hur. sometimes i think my life's a joke, and God's up there laughing away. other times i'm convinced this world doesn't exist.
and now my fingers hurt. have to type out my hist paper later. that makes it seem as if i actually wrote something on paper right? well i haven't even researched yet and it's due tomorrow. great great joy. played the piano for almost 2 hours straight. unfortunately all 3 pieces are quite fast, my scales have to be played fast, and the first piece is
ff for almost the entire 4 pages. was quite worried that i might actually hurt my fingers but i didn't dare stop. you know that feeling, when you seem to be on instant play? you play a wrong note, and your hands zoom back into position, and play it again and again and again, mindlessly, because you're so tired your brain isn't functioning anymore.. and you have to shake yourself to stay focused and get it right. when your fingers are so sore that playing the trills is excruciating. this is why i only do exams every other year. i need to rest and enjoy life in between. sigh. by the time the lesson was over, i was breathing heavily. i don't want to practice anymore today. it's just so frustrating to get things wrong.
staring down at my hands just now as she drilled me through my scales, i realised that the scale of d minor harmonic, octaves apart, legato, reminds me of an open fan somehow. odd isn't it? maybe it's because all the notes are natural except b minor and c major.
off to read history and write the essay soon.
it must have been love but it's over now.
it must've been love.
8:41 pm
xoxo
